“Two people are slamming me down. One’s at work and the other is my own mother,” my client Sandra said.
We had an extended discussion. I helped her rehearse ways to interact with the “energy-vampires” and protect her own well-being. The truth is that real toxic people have no interest in change, and they care nothing for your well-being.
The question is what will you do?
We’ll use the D.O. Process:
D – deescalate in yourself
O – open up your calm and strength
- Deescalate in yourself
Where’s your power? Where might you have some control?
When a toxic person says something mean and demeaning they watch to see if they “got you.” That is, they watch to observe if they have put a dent in your feelings and even your self-esteem.
If you start yelling back, you have given the toxic person what they want: Drama. Still, your actual control is in what you do.
One time, I sat in the kitchen of my parents’ home (in a city distant from my own home) and had a pleasant conversation with my mother. Then my father walked up and yelled at me while I was still seated. I saw my mother’s face drop in her anticipation of an argument. There were times when my mother would just plaintively cry: “Stop it! Stop it!”
I gave my mother a reassuring pat on her forearm and said, “Don’t worry. I’m not standing up.” I knew that if I rose from my chair, my adrenaline would kick in.
I chose to remain seated. In essence, I deescalated the feelings of pain and anger in myself. My father continued his rant, and when he found no resistance from me—he gave up and went to the restroom.
I was left to enjoy a healthy visit with my mother.
That’s the power of deescalating feelings in yourself.
Now it’s your turn. What will you DO to deescalate feelings in yourself?
- Open up your calm and strength
As an Executive Coach and the Spoken Word Strategist, I help clients use strategic action to enhance their success and fulfillment.
In a few days, I am speaking on the topic of “Rise in Persuasion, Stamp on Manipulation and Align with Universal Laws.” During the workshop, I will help the attendees learn how to increase their personal strength so they can effectively deal with manipulators and even dark seducers (based on my book, Darkest Secrets of Persuasion and Seduction Masters: How to Protect Yourself and Turn the Power to Good ).
The solution is: Do things that empower you. I call this acting for your Golden Tranquility Goals. Another way to look at this is to support your “being goals.” You support your well-being with exercise, quiet time (daily meditation or prayer time), good nutrition, excellent sleep and more. Some of us don’t relate to sitting still. Meditative actions can be knitting, assembling a jigsaw puzzle, walking-meditation and more.
When you have developed an abundance of energy and even “reserves”—you have more patience and you can think clearly. For example, I keep a log of my sleep and I change my next days’ activities if I get less sleep on a particular night.
Here is the power of developing reserves. Years ago, I worked in a particular bank. My co-worker turned to me as I prepared to leave for the evening. He said some demeaning comments and bolstered his position of working late as: “Some of us have endurance.”
Because I had reserves of energy, I did not escalate the conversation. Also, I quieted down any fears that this person would badmouth me to the vice president. I said in a good tone, “I know that you work hard. That means a lot. Thanks. Good night.”
Now it’s your turn. What can you DO to develop your reserves of energy and calm?
A big part of solutions for dealing with toxic people is to become stronger within yourself.
Toxic people steal energy. Fortify yourself so you have the reserve energy to fulfill your dreams.
CEO (leading teams in United Kingdom, India and USA)